How to become a polititian in USA (smart phone edition)

How to become a polititian in USA (smart phone edition)

Disclaimer*

Contradictions**

From what I have observed so far, there are several steps that one must take to become a member of the clique of either party in the USA.

First step

One has to start small locally - even if from some entrenched well-connected political dynasty. The best way to start is to become an alcoholic, a gambler, or a spouse abuser, then discover Christ and repent, overcome an addiction and go do good for the unsuspecting public. Nothing is a better lure for the voters than a person who they can relate to.

Step two

If one has an accent it is ok, unless it sounds foreign. If it is 'foreign', better lose it, for anything is better than that. A folksy accent is also a good start, and can be improved upon to make it more pronounced, as it signals honesty.

Step three

One must travel to Israel to acquire 'foreign experience.' This is a prerequisite for the furtherment of any political career in the USA. One must take a strong stance on the two state solution of the Palestinian problem (that Israel is somewhat having) without ever pushing it hard again.

Step four

It is imperative to learn the art of fundrasing. What are all the real qualifications good for when there is no money to campaign with and to throw around to get friendly juices going.

Step five

Go volunteering! No matter how obscure the cause is - people in the USA seem to love that. Somebody saving freshly expelled tapeworms is going to be judged better by the populous than somebody who is doing nothing or something selfish like spending time reading.

Step six

Go schmoozing everywhere where a big enough crowd of vulnerable minds is. A great start is a church or a funeral home.

Step seven

Learn to lie without blinking, and learn the art of denial with no flinch or stutter. Learn to keep your lies straight. The only feasible way to do that is the firm conviction that one is always right and true, that what one lies about is real.

Step eight

Make allies but be ready to ditch them, and make them scapegoats for your faults when needed.

Step nine

Keep at it. If you keep at it long enough, you will make it big, so keep at it. Time and patience is your strength. No matter how inept one can be, there will always be someone worse, or more disgraced, who will run for that office one day. That is your time to make a move.

* Readers discretion advised. If you or a loved one died during the application of this manual either by pitchforks of an angry mob, or by stoning, or act of God, and/or by any means necessary; we are not to be held responsible. When unsure consult your psychiatrist or other health professional.

** One has to be a special case to want to enter the political field. Like, really, it is a problem that this field seems to atract the worst of the wurst. We will not see much of an improvement until it becomes just an ordinary job without an extraordinary ego boost or big perks. One way out of this predicament is, in my opinion, to impose nationwide term limits of 12 years on every single elected official. It is enough time to learn the job but not enough to get entrenched too deep. No person will have that lifetime seniority that is often impossible to overcome. I propose to cut polititians' wages - just like some people are suggesting. Let's give them the median household income to start with, and just index it 50-50 to the inflation and interest rates, to get them motivated, and let's not give them any benefits. Make them all go on ACA based health with their own money. All this will probably not make any difference until people, who admitedly have better things to do with their lives, than to go into politics, will run for office for the sake of this nation. ¡So, someone, please, sacrifice or we are all doomed!